At 37, how to put off 25-28 year olds off your back

1. If you're both on facebook, advertise his name for the younger chics to notice him
2. Cut off inboxes, phone calls and all communication
3. Talk about your abnormal tendencies and symptoms of menopause

Lies

In the early stages of a relationship, when you are both strangers to each other, learn to take whatever he tells you with a pinch of salt coz more often than not, he's lying through his teeth. And oh, how skillfully they'll do it! It's like it's in their DNA to lie papap!

Wadudu ni Hatari and other Songs

I remember this advert song that used to play on VOK. (Cavalier, do you remember it)? 

Hii ni nyumba yako 

Wewe na jamii yako 

Usikaribishe wadudu kuishi na wewe 

Wadudu ni hatari 

Wadudu ni wachafu 

Waue mara moja 

Doom, doom, doom! 

Dawa doom! 

Then at lunch time it would be 'kuleni mayai, pia maharagwe. Hivi ndivyo vyakula bora vya kujenga mwili.' 

As we prepared to go to school in the morning we had: '...jiepushe na uvivu tujenge taifa. Mwanangu, kumekucha amka wende shule. Elimu ndiyo msingi wa maendeleo.'

Descendants of Nimrod?

Just came across strange information about a sub tribe of the Luhya called the Kabras that live in Malava. It is interesting to know that that their name 'Kabras' comes from ‘Avalasi’, which refers to the warriors or Mighty Hunters they once were. As to the claim that they are descendants of Nangwiro associated with the Biblical Nimrod, I am flabbergasted.

Somehow, in my mind I cannot reconcile a tribe in Kenya that was originally Banyala (different from the ones in Kayunga) with a Mesopotamian monarch. I cannot reconcile the Kabras with a mighty ruler and nation builder who founded many cities, including the great Babel or Babylon. I cannot. Even if you tell me he was cursed for ordering the construction of the Tower of Babel.

In other news, my Mom says she heard a story told in Western Kenya about the Buganda Prince who became ruler of the Wanga Kingdom. Now I may have mixed up a few things about the story she heard but this is what I remember her telling me.

“It is said that when the Prince arrived in Western Kenya, some lady noticed that whenever it was time for him to bathe, he would hide himself from the others. Later on, she discovered the reason why the Prince did this. He had the mark of a snake on his body, which he was trying to conceal. After her discovery, the woman went and told her father who said, ‘That is the mark of royalty. Wherever this boy may have come from, he must be from a royal family.’ Thus, the boy was made king over the Wanga.”

Pure Speculation?

I read somewhere on the internet that some Luhyas came from Egypt and so did some Baganda and oba Banyoro. I thought all Bantus came from Congo or Cameroon. Speaking of Congo, I read somewhere that the Ethiopia referred to in the bible included the area stretching from the Congo basin.

Another mind boggling thing I read on the internet is about the Wanga (a tribe of the Luhya). I read that the Wanga came from Egypt as part of the migration that settled in Kampala area that formed the Buganda Kingdom. A muganda Prince called Kaminyi, who was Kabaka Mwanga I's cousin and Kabaka Mawanda's son, fled to Tiriki in Western Kenya. (Incidentally, I lived in Tiriki with my parents for 8 years) The Prince fled because as the king's cousin, he posed a threat to the reigning monarch.

On reaching Western Kenya, the Prince became a ruler and was succeeded by his son Wanga who established the Wanga Kingdom with the title of Nabongo in the 18th century.

I Don’t Do Scholarships

My Job and I, we don’t get along. It entails having to talk to new faces everyday about a place you have lost hope in because you have not received your full salary for months now.

Some faces are easy to deal with because they ask you what they want to know and after getting the information they need; they leave or at least ask for an application form.

But there are those from the word go that get you thinking “Ok. I get the feeling that we’re in the general area of what brought you here. I have told you everything under the sun about us and all that you want to know so why don’t you move on? And while you are at it, could you please leave so that I can attend to others? Anyway, what brings you to this almost-shut-down-place-that-is-credit-crunch-hit? Why don’t you just leave me and my thoughts alone? Do you realize that now I cannot afford to have any hobby including blogging because of you and this place?”

But you dare not say your thoughts aloud. After all, this is what you are paid to do. To attend to them.

Then after a long silence spent studying the fees structure, the face turns to you and asks, “Mulinayo ku scholarships?”

You want to respond, “Scholarships?! What do you mean tulinayo ku scholarships? Since when do shut-down-places-like-this-one with hungry-for-money-recruits give scholarships? Will a credit-crunched sponsor give you scholarships when he cannot afford a roof over his head? Scholarships?! Let me tell you who needs a scholarship. I need a scholarship! If I had a scholarship I would be out there improving on my education and working for a bigger purse. When you look at me what do you see? A puffed-up-lady-from-too-much-Blackberries or what? Don’t talk to me about scholarships, I don’t do scholarships!!”

But you dare not say that aloud. Scholarships or not, you are here to get him to enroll.

I HATE THIS JOB!

Tamzel and Yummie

Characters in this story:
Tamzel – Single lady whose father owns a farm
Noodles – Tamzel’s first boyfriend
Kales - Tamzel's second boyfriend
Prince Radicchio – Tamzel’s third boyfriend
Peas – Radicchio’s girlfriend
Yummie – Radicchio’s girlfriend and Tamzel's step-mother
Cress – Noodles' replacement and Tamzel’s friend
King Artichoke - Prince Radicchio's father

Now Tamzel had been dumped by Noodles three weeks to his kwanjula. Noodles, was one of the men that worked at Tamzel’s father’s farmland.

God was merciful to Tamzel and He healed her heart from the pain that Noodles had caused. When Tamzel saw that her heart had been healed from the pain that Noodles caused, she felt she was ready to date someone else.

Kales found favor in Tamzel’s eyes and became her boyfriend. Kales and Tamzel dated for three years after which they broke up. Kales married her best friend’s cousin but that is another story.

Then it came about that after thirty six market weeks Tamzel failed to date any other guy. So she decided to give herself a break from men. But during this time, she met Radicchio the Prince of Rababland the son of King Artichoke. Now, Radicchio had asked for her hand in marriage but after two months, they broke up. And Radicchio met several ladies including Peas and Yummie. So Tamzel moved on with her life.

And Peas, being Tamzel’s friend began writing her some letters about this and that until Tamzel discovered that she was the woman that Radi dated after their break up. Tamzel stopped writing any more letters to Peas.

Now Noodles had started becoming disobedient towards Tamzel’s father so he fired him and replaced him with Cress. Cress loved Tamzel even though he could never remarry because of an oath he made with the gods of Rutabagaland. So Tamzel and Cress became like brother and sister.

And it came about that in the third month of King Artichoke’s reign; Tamzel’s father married a second wife. It was Yummie, Prince Radi’s ex girlfriend.

Now Tamzel has got to call Yummie, her former boyfriend’s girlfriend, her step-mother. As if that is not enough, Yummie has taken such a strong liking for Tamzel’s friend Cress who replaced Noodles.